I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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