I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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