He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
