You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
