Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
