Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
