Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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