How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
