It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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