He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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