....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
