I didn't shave. On purpose
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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