Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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