I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
