I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
