Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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