He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
