We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
