it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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