guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
