those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
