She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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