I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
