He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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