wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
