batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
