last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
