I cannot find my penis.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
