Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
