Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
