Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
