Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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