Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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