I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
