p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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