Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
