so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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