How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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