Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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