who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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