i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
