so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
