dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
