I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
