her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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