i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
