Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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