im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
