In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I wear drunk well.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
