Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
