you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
